Supporting children and young people using social media can be fraught. As a parent or carer, encouraging your child to be independent online while ensuring they’re safe is a tough balancing act. We know that there are inherent dangers and that much of the online world is unregulated.
The Thought Report’s Essential Guide to Young People and Social Media brings together positive perspectives on staying safe and tips on offering emotional support.
Is social media damaging to young people?
We know that we can’t shield young people forever. They need to gain resilience by being hands-on.
But there are ways we can all stay safe and enjoy everything the digital world offers.
The Thought Report has gathered insight and guidance for parents and carers who want to know more: more about the issues young people have with social media, more on staying safe and more on how they can best support their children online.
The online world is the real world; for most young people there is very little difference. When they start to tentatively form adult versions of themselves online, it is an exciting, enhancing and tremendously dangerous place. Oliver Williams, counsellor and manager at XenZone, offers his insights and tips for parents:
Tip one: EMPATHISE
Empathy is imagining your child’s feelings. For this to happen, every parent needs to take the online world seriously. Empathising isn’t easy. It’s a skill that gets better with practice. Try to put yourself firmly in the shoes of your child.
Tip two: LISTEN
Empathy can’t happen if you don’t listen. Listening sometimes requires a lot of self-control, but is worth the effort and energy.
If your child is upset because of an interaction on social media, it is not the time to remind them of the screen-time rules you all agreed to. Harder still, it’s also not the time to rescue them from their pain.
Let them feel, understand and learn from it. Then empathise and listen.
Tip three: BE SELF-AWARE
Self-awareness is a cornerstone of therapy and takes practice. A lot of practice. Self-awareness and congruence – trying to be with and in tune with your child – are ways of being. They are part of your developed personality rather than a deployed skill.
If you can manage it, try and be self-aware, even if you have to step out of the problem, take a breather, and return. Your heart may be breaking for the little girl you miss, while she doesn’t feel she is growing up fast enough. Asserting that you didn’t start thinking about sex until you were nineteen, for example, is unlikely to help.
It's really difficult to listen or empathise if you’re unaware of what’s going on in your self, because too much of ‘you’ is in your head and it gets in the way.
So, ‘know thyself’. Invest in your self-image as much as theirs. It will free you up to listen.
Tip four: BE ACCEPTING
This is not the same as agreeing or colluding. It is accepting that feelings are feelings and that they change. Most pertinent in this discussion is your potential for shock, frustration and outright consternation at just how important social media is to your children. It may well be a world away from your own ‘real world’ experience of growing up and talking face to face with friends.
It’s worth remembering that young people have never faced the all-encompassing sense of judgement, observation and pressure that they can feel today. Their parents did not have to grow their sense of self in a virtual chamber, but they have to learn to do this, often under immense pressure.
And while there are many positives to a healthy online experience, it can be a tough environment, requiring resilience and savvy. It’s important to acknowledge that you are not agreeing with any negative aspects of social media by accepting how your child feels about it. Instead you’re being open to their experience and thus promoting a connection rather than a pushing away.
Tip five: BE KIND
The online world can sometimes be cruel and frightening. Which makes kindness an ever more important quality to promote. As a parent, I often ask myself: am I promoting kindness in my house? Am I modelling kindness? Am I being kind to myself? I know this can be difficult.
So maybe try to be kind. And when you fail, because we all do, be kind about it.
Supporting Your Child's Social Media Experience: 5 Top Tips
Something I’ve told many young people in schools is that we each hold an image of our selves. And even where that self-image is more or less unexamined, our idea-of-self is how we access the world.
This is why judgement matters, and it’s why name-calling hurts. Because when this self-image is threatened, it is as real as if the physical self were threatened.
With this in mind, it feels crucially important to address a false dichotomy regarding the so called ‘on and offline worlds.’ Online is not separate to offline, it is part of it.
And within our online experience of life, judgement matters and name calling hurts. Because the ‘online world’ is as real as all of our thoughts and emotions.
When your daughter is called names because she wouldn’t pout in a group selfie or your son is targeted because of his sad emoji over a plastic in the ocean post, they are being bullied by others into thinking how they ‘should’ be. Those bullies are drawing on cultural consensus to name, shame and ultimately defend their own self-image from the threat of difference.
What I advocate for around social-media, is a parent-child relationship based on understanding and acceptance and a strong sense of self. I veer away from specific advice about screen-time rules, or what should and shouldn’t be posted. These are nuances to be negotiated and agreed within your family.
Lastly, with so much noise, so much ‘sharing’ and expression online, there is not nearly enough listening. Working at listening – it’s a skill and an art - will go a long way to relating better with young people, whether in the real world, or online.
Therapist Insight:
Experiencing Social Media
Oliver Williams
Therapist and manager, XenZone
To see more from Oliver, subscribe to the Thought Report
Written by
How Social Media Made me Feel (Part 1)
The Thought Report’s Essential Guide to Young People and Social Media brings together positive perspectives on staying safe and on offering practical and emotional support.
Supporting children and young people using social media can be fraught. As a parent or carer, encouraging your child to be independent online while at the same time ensuring they’re safe is a tough balancing act. We know that there are inherent dangers and that much of the online world is unregulated.
Is social media dangerous for young people?
We know that we can’t shield young people forever. They need to gain resilience by being hands-on. There are ways we can all stay safe and enjoy everything the digital world offers.
The Thought Report has gathered insight and guidance for parents and carers who want to know more: more about the issues young people have with social media, more on staying safe and more on how they can best support their children online.
Menu
Is social media – or being online – risky for young people?
Social media and gaming is a huge part of children’s and young people’s lives – and of course adult’s lives too. It can be a great space to meet friends, learn, play games and have fun. It can connect us in powerful and positive ways.
But we regularly hear from young people who have found themselves caught up in the darker side of social media or on other unmonitored sites.
The truth is that perpetrators target vulnerability, not age or gender, and can easily manipulate young people. Young people then become frightened, isolated and overwhelmed.
If a perpetrator knows there is no father or male figure in that young person’s life they will try and meet that need. If they know the young person has recently been rejected by a partner they will try to be that partner. If a person is looking for a friend they will be that friend.
If something negative happens, young people can often then blame themselves and this can lead to them feeling or being left in a frightening and dangerous situation.
How do we help to build online resilience in young people?
For a parent or carer, it’s about educating a young person in an age appropriate way as soon as they begin to show an interest or begin using social media. By talking openly with children and young people, it gives them a clear message that it is okay to talk about anything.
A child is far more likely, if educated about the benefits and the risks, to tell a parent or carer if something goes wrong or does not feel right.
There are organisations such as ‘CEOP’, a law enforcement agency helping keep children and young people safe from sexual abuse and grooming online, which can help do that. Advice on the site is targeted at specific age groups, starting with children as young as five. The ‘thinkuknow’ resources are fantastic.
I would encourage a parent or carer to watch the short videos with their child and educate themselves at the same time. Let children ask questions and ask when they need to – which might be a week or so later. Parents can also monitor a young person’s browsing history by, for example, asking for usage reports from their mobile service provider.
I would also reassure parents that they can and should create boundaries, despite the pressure they may feel to let their child loose online. I monitor my teenage son’s internet use; we are very open about this, but more importantly he knows why. It’s about keeping him safe.
Teenagers tend to be secretive and that’s normal, but if they know that they can talk to someone if something doesn’t feel right, that knowledge is going to keep them safe.
The more educated, armed and fore-warned a parent is, the more likely they are to have those conversations in an age appropriate manner.
I know parents who are worried their child is at risk from grooming may want to take their child’s phone away. If they are at risk, however, this might push them further towards their abuser – who may then offer a new phone as an enticement to join their gang or engage in other risky or inappropriate behaviour.
Parents or carers and their children could consider an agreed ‘contract’ between them. This may cover the use of a phone, time-wise, and also cover appropriate sites.
How cautious should parents and carers about their children being online and using social media sites?
Of course no-one wants to terrify young people. The big message is: if that young person has a gut feeling something isn’t right, it probably isn’t.
They should try to speak to a trusted adult about their concerns. The ‘trusted’ part is important here as we know sometimes abuse is happening in the home.
How does Kooth help?
Usually young people come to us in a distressed state because they’ve shared a picture or sent a text and are scared about the consequences. They’re in crisis.
Our focus is on safeguarding and safety, first and foremost. We let them know about organisations like CEOP, which supports and empowers them to report abuse.
And while we’re focused on safeguarding, advising and supporting, we also offer ongoing support.
It could be that we’re talking to a young person in the initial grooming stages, in which case we look at prevention and education. Or we could be at a stage where a young person has met the perpetrator. It could be relevant to county lines. It could be for sexual exploitation (they are often interlinked).
We listen without judgement, helping a young person see the situation they are in and supporting them to find a way out. The door at Kooth remains open to them and we build that relationship and offer the time and space they need.
Why do some young people choose to join gangs?
I doubt it’s ever a choice, but a need. Young people may become involved in a gang for many different reasons: to belong to something or someone, through peer pressure or because of adverse childhood experiences and trauma. Often what is a push factor to engage with gangs is what can also keep them there, so early intervention is key. However all children and young people can be at risk.
Perpetrators are extremely clever at targeting; they can use social media to begin the grooming process. Sometimes they will use other young people as spotters or seekers. Often they are both the perpetrator and the victim. Many have been groomed and exploited themselves.
Parents often feel really out of control because a perpetrator’s pull can be so great. Young people can ignore everyone around them, even those will the intention of keeping them safe, when entrenched in the grooming process, so the earlier they seek advice the better.
So while we know that there are many positives to the internet and to social media, the more we understand the risks, and help build knowledge and resilience in our children, the better chance we have of avoiding the risks attached to unmonitored sites.
So, the answer is education and open dialogue?
Yes, so that we have a shared understanding and can help children and young people avoid the risks together. Listening to the voice of the child is key, as well as offering positive relationships, whether a parent or professional.
Anne-Marie Yates
Useful resources and further reading
CEOP – law enforcement agency helping keep children and young people safe from sexual abuse and grooming online. See its ‘Think U Know’ resources
We’re part of the charitable organisation, NWG, formed as a UK network of over 14,500 practitioners who disseminate our information down through their services, to professionals working on the issue of child sexual exploitation (CSE) and trafficking within the UK
Pace offers emotional support to parents affected by CSE through one-to-one telephone support and a national befriender scheme. Pace has worked with over 600 families in England during the last 16 years
Stop It Now! is a child sexual abuse prevention campaign and helpline
Children’s Commissioner report: “If Only Someone Had Listened”, an inquiry into child sexual exploitation in gangs and groups. There’s a version for children and young people here too
Subscribe to the Thought Report:
Q&A with
Counsellor and member of XenZone's clinical team
Anne-Marie Yates
XenZone
exploitation
the risks of online
Keeping young people alive to
The tragic case of Molly Russell, who took her own life in 2017, aged 14, has placed an important focus on the role of social media in the lives of young people. When her family looked into her Instagram account following her death, they found distressing material about depression and suicide.
Nearly 13 per cent of children were spending more than three hours on social networks on a normal school day, according to latest figures from the ONS. Since then, the government has published its Online Harms White Paper setting out its plans to keep UK users safe online.
Social media is not only Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. In-game chat and online discussion forums such as Reddit also count among the places children and young people may experience disturbing content or bullying and abusive behaviour. It can feel like the wild west out there.
But, for better or worse, social media is now part of our lives. To extract young people from it altogether would mean cutting them off from friends and positive social support groups.
While some children and young people can be troubled by social media, and the consumption of it can become unhealthy, there are online communities where they can go for support. Online mental health support provider XenZone created Kooth as a unique safety-first social media platform for children and young people. It gives young people scrollable content and discussions like other sites, but it also crucially employs regulated safeguarding protocols to eliminate ‘harmful’ content. Users are anonymous, the sharing of personal (or any) images is not possible, and it has no function for peer-to-peer private messaging.
The ability for users to remain anonymous and talk about issues that may be troubling them in a non-confrontational way via pre-moderated online forums can be the difference between sharing and receiving support - or suffering in silence for some young people. Many Kooth users say they feel unable initially to talk about what’s making them anxious or depressed in a face to face meeting with an adult as they find it such situations intimidating.
Bullying and trolling of users can never take place on Kooth as all content shared is pre-moderated. Content including forum discussion posts, article comments and magazine articles must be approved by moderators before it can be published, unlike some other online mental health sites and conventional social media platforms which rely on algorithms or users to flag harmful content after it has been published and then make a decision about whether to remove it. The policy safeguards against triggering content, such as graphic self-harm, while also offering the author of that content support and signposting if they show signs of needing help.
Social media will not go away. But, as the government, schools and others concerned with safeguarding our young people begin to understand how to navigate this minefield we can work together to ensure children and young people can benefit from online communities without trauma or harm.
How Social Media Made me Feel (Part 2)
Kooth is an accredited, safe and anonymous online counselling and emotional wellbeing service for children and young people. It is free at the point of use in areas where it is commissioned.
The NSPCC has an excellent set of resources for parents, including a template for ‘family agreements’ and tips about starting a conversation about their online world.
This portal, written for young people, is a good introduction to Facebook and social media, with pointers on security, safety and privacy.
MindED is a resource funded by the Department for Education and NHS England. It has a section on Parenting in a Digital World, with some valuable insight.
The young people’s mental health charity Young Minds offers guidance on how to talk to your child about social media and the internet.
Internet Matters is a not-for-profit organisation helping parents and carers keep children safe in the digital world. Find advice on a host of issues, from online grooming and sexting to screen time and cyberbullying.
The UK Safer Internet Centre ➙
The UK Safer Internet Centre is funded under the Connecting Europe Facility (CEF) programme of the European Commission. It offers tips, advice, guides and resources to help keep your child safe online.
UK Council for Internet Safety ➙
Read the UK Council for Internet Safety’s practical guide for parents and carers whose children are using social media.
UK charity Childline offers a lot of advice, including tips on bullying on social networks.
CEOP is part of the UK National Crime Agency and has age appropriate information about avoiding child sexual exploitation, as well as making it easy and safe for children to report online abuse.
Pace is the lead national charity working with parents and carers of exploited children, offering advice and support.
Resources
There is a raft of information and guidance available to support parents or carers and their children on social media.
Check out the links below to access our resources.
Aisha Gordon-Hiles is an online counsellor and supports children and young people across the country. She also offers support via a personal social media accounts and regularly finds herself reporting inappropriate content. Many children and young people are presenting with issues related to social media, not knowing who or what to trust online with often very sensitive issues.
"I’ve been an online counsellor on Kooth for a long time and have come into contact with young people experiencing a myriad of issues, from eating disorders and self-harm, to anxiety and exploitation. Their use of social media is an interesting dichotomy: it can be extremely damaging while also offering a lifeline for those wanting to connect with people going through similar experiences. Knowing the difference is often beyond young people.
Social media challenges
I see a huge issue for young people in knowing where to go online. They are very often looking for advice, looking for friends or support and are overwhelmed by what’s out there. Without a much life experience under their belts, there is no way of knowing who’s offering the right kind of advice, or the right kind of friendship.
I see young people on social media who have a lot of followers and who position themselves as ‘coach’, ‘therapist’ or ‘self-love expert’. They might do some fantastic work, but in not being qualified, equally they could be doing untold damage. They’re not protected and nor are those who they are trying to support.
The fact that young people use social media to find people and communities they can relate to is a good and a bad thing. It is relatively easy to locate and chat to someone who has been through the same or similar experiences, but this ‘connection’ doesn’t mean that person can guide you in the right way.
There’s a specific account I’ve seen where a young woman with a lot of followers - who purports to be someone offering emotional and mental health support - regularly states that she’s open to receiving direct messages. However, every week she is posting extremely graphic and concerning pictures of her own self-harm. I worry for her and I worry for her followers who may be being influenced by her actions. Both sides are vulnerable.
Young people don’t generally have perspective or experience to see that the person who looks like they’re helping is in fact pulling them down. A young woman I supported recently said that it took her a long time to realise that the social media anorexia group she belonged to was perpetuating her condition, not helping her to recover.
My worry is that although I report these sorts of accounts, there is no online signposting for young people which could enable them to use social media positively and effectively.
There is a fine line between allowing someone to express themselves and seeing how that negatively influences vulnerable young people.
Often, I communicate with young people who have had frightening experiences online. One young person messaged me after a friend posted a message about killing herself and her family. I saw her account and could see that she had made similar comments previously and seemed to be venting. I could see she had a lot of support, including help from mental health professionals. I explained this to the young person contacting me. After a while it became apparent that she and the girl threatening such drastic action had never met. In fact, she knew very little about her.
Parents’ understanding
On Kooth I have a lot of frustration about parents and how they respond to young people talking about their wellbeing and mental health. Many wish their parents were more informed.
Comments I hear are that parents don’t accept their child has mental health issues. That they don’t care. Some parents have called it attention seeking. One parent had told their child that because depression is genetic, it was impossible that they could have it. A lot are angry or frustrated that their parents don’t listen.
Of course, not all comments are negative. And there is nothing new in teenagers railing against their parents. But it also shows how many young people are becoming a great deal more aware and informed about mental health than their elders.
Social media positives
While I believe there needs to be more guidance for young people, showing them who is qualified to offer mental health support and who isn’t, I see a huge number of positive aspects to social media.
For young people, the idea of a safe space online is tremendously powerful and gives them the opportunity to experiment and enjoy the benefits the digital world can bring, with none of the risks. The Kooth online forums can be especially supportive – and because they’re moderated, the environment is risk-free.
Indeed, one of the followers of my personal social media account recently told me she receives more support and understanding from her friends on social media than anyone in her ‘face to face life’.
How young people can get the best from social media
There are lots of ways people can get better at managing their life online, particularly with social media. I sometimes ask a young person to open up one of their social media accounts and look at the first five posts they see.
I ask them how these posts make them feel. Happy? Envious? Sad? Being mindful around what you’re taking from social media feeds is important. They’re all determined by who you follow. If you struggle with self-esteem and you are following someone you admire, someone you would like to emulate physically, perhaps, what are you getting from their posts? How are they influencing your wellbeing?
If you’re looking at your phone first thing in the morning and last thing at night, how is that affecting you emotionally? What are you reinforcing?
Reclaiming some control is key. I often remind young people that they can choose their friends, choose the content they see. They can choose their ‘online family’. They can go online and post whatever they want to, whether they’re being 100% authentic or not, recognising the power they have and being mindful about how they use it. The adage ‘knowledge is power’ is true offline, but is especially appropriate for young people and their parents in navigating the online world."
Aisha
Gordon-Hiles
Online Counsellor
kooth.com
Social Media: The Challenges of an Overwhelming and Unregulated world
Elaine Bousfield
Founder/Editor-In-Chief
XenZone
To read more articles and blogs, subscribe to the Thought Report
Written by
Social media is an accessible way for young people to connect with their peers and those with shared interests, but is also sometimes a platform for online bullying.
Cyberbullying and ‘trolling’ can be a major risk for children and young people. The good news is that it can be successfully managed; there is also a host of outside resources which are extremely useful (see below).
If you are worried your child is being bullied, the first step is to talk to them and help them to understand what bullying is. Try to let them lead the conversation and enable them to share as much as they feel able to. They may feel ashamed or embarrassed and this can act as a barrier to them seeking help or support. Childline has created a video interview with YouTuber Dina Tokio about life after bullying, which could be helpful to watch with your son or daughter.
Most social media sites have processes for reporting bullying. You can find these on relevant safety pages, help sections, or in settings. You can also support your child in updating their privacy settings on their social media accounts, or block accounts of people who are bullying them.
Restricting or preventing them from using social media is often not the answer as it may make the young person feel punished rather than empowering them to use social media safely.
You can also support your child to report any online bullying to a relevant school or youth club if they know the person who is bullying them online.
Where can i find further help?
Remember that if you’re in one of the 100+ areas where Kooth is commissioned, your child has free access to BACP-accredited online counsellors and a wealth of emotional wellbeing resources - with no waiting lists.
Childline has some excellent practical tips on how to report bullying or sharing of explicit images on social media:
Internet Matters is a not-for-profit organisation which empower parents and carers to keep children safe in the digital world. See this section on cyberbullying:
https://www.internetmatters.org/issues/cyberbullying/
NSPCC guide to bullying/cyberbullying and what to do about it:
BullyingUK is a charity offering advice, including how to act on each social media channel:
https://www.bullying.co.uk/cyberbullying/what-to-do-if-you-re-being-bullied-on-a-social-network/
What do I do if my child is being bullied online?
What is the role of social media in the lives of children and young people?
Spaces_
Safe
© Copyright XenZone 2019
Read: 5 Top Tips
Supporting your child's social media experience
Therapist Insight
How social media can impact young people
Hear My Story
How social media made me feel (part 1)
Social Media and Me
An interview with Ben, 16
Q&A
The risks of
online exploitation
Safe Spaces
Articles on the need to create safe spaces online
Hear My Story
How social media made me feel (part 2)
Therapist Insight
How young people are faring on social media
Advice Article
What to do if your child is being bullied online?
Resources
Helpful resources for staying safe online
Here are some tips on how you can support your child or children as they navigate social media
Tip one: EMPATHISE
Empathy is imagining your child’s feelings. For this to happen, every parent needs to take the online world seriously. Empathising isn’t easy. It’s a skill that gets better with practice. Try to put yourself firmly in the shoes of your child.
Tip two: LISTEN
Empathy can’t happen if you don’t listen. Listening sometimes requires a lot of self-control, but is worth the effort and energy. If your child is upset because of an interaction on social media, it is not the time to remind them of the screen-time rules you all agreed to. Harder still, it’s also not the time to rescue them from their pain. Let them feel, understand and learn from it.Then empathise and listen. It’s not a matter of ‘sticks and stones’ or of simply blocking someone who behaved badly. Online actions have offline consequences, even when they are ‘all in the mind.’
Tip three: BE SELF AWARE
Self-awareness is a cornerstone of therapy and takes practice. A lot of practice. Self-awareness and congruence – trying to be with and in tune with your child – are ways of being. They are part of your developed personality rather than a deployed skill. If you can manage it, try and be self-aware and congruent, even if you have to step out of the problem, take a breather and return. Your heart may be breaking for the little girl you miss, while she doesn’t feel she is growing up fast enough. Asserting that you didn’t start thinking about sex until you were nineteen, for example, is unlikely to help.
You can’t really listen or emphasise if you’re unaware of what’s going on in your self, because too much of ‘you’ is in your head and it gets in the way. So, ‘know thyself.’ Invest in your self-image as much as theirs.
Tip four: BE ACCEPTING
This is not the same as agreeing or colluding, rather it is accepting that feelings are feelings and that they change. Most pertinent in this discussion is your potential for shock, frustration and outright consternation at just how important social media is to your children. It may well be a world away from your own ‘real world’ experience of growing up and talking face to face with friends.
It’s worth remembering that young people have never faced the all-encompassing sense of judgement, observation and pressure that they can feel today. Their parents did not have to grow their sense of self in a virtual chamber, but they have to learn to do this, often under immense pressure. And while there are many positives to a healthy online experience, it can be a tough environment requiring resilience and savvy. It’s important to acknowledge that you are not agreeing with any negative aspects of social media by accepting how your child feels about it. Instead you’re being open to their experience and thus, promoting a connection rather than a pushing-away.
Tip five: BE KIND
The online world can sometimes be cruel and frightening. Which makes kindness an ever more important quality to promote. As a parent, I often ask myself: am I promoting kindness in my house? Am I modelling kindness? Am I being kind to myself? I know this can be difficult. So maybe try to be kind. And when you fail, because you will, be kind about it.
The ‘online world’ is the ‘real world’; for most young people there is very little difference. When they start to tentatively form adult version of themselves online, it is an exciting, enhancing and tremendously dangerous place. Oliver Williams, counsellor and manager at XenZone, offers his insights and tips for parents.
Something I’ve told many young people in schools is that we each hold an image of our selves. And even where that self-image is more or less unexamined, our idea-of-self is how we access the world.
This is why judgement matters, and it’s why name-calling hurts. Because when this self-image is threatened, it is as real as if the physical self were threatened.
With this in mind, it feels crucially important to address a false dichotomy regarding the so called ‘on and offline worlds.’ Online is not separate to offline, it is part of it.
And within our online experience of life, judgement matters and name calling hurts. Because the ‘online world’ is as real as all of our thoughts and emotions.
When your daughter is called names because she wouldn’t pout in a group selfie or your son is targeted because of his sad emoji over a plastic in the ocean post, they are being bullied by others into thinking how they ‘should’ be. Those bullies are drawing on cultural consensus to name, shame and ultimately defend their own self-image from the threat of difference.
What I advocate for around social-media, is a parent-child relationship based on understanding and acceptance and a strong sense of self. I veer away from specific advice about screen-time rules, or what should and shouldn’t be posted. These are nuances to be negotiated and agreed within your family.
Lastly, with so much noise, so much ‘sharing’ and expression online, there is not nearly enough listening. Working at listening – it’s a skill and an art - will go a long way to relating better with young people, whether in the real world, or online.
Social Media & Young People: Oli's Thoughts
Supporting Your Children's Social Media Experience:
5 Top Tips
Keeping Young People Alive to...
The Risks of Online
Exploitation
Is social media – or being online – risky for young people?
Social media and gaming is a huge part of children’s and young people’s lives – and of course adult’s lives too. It can be a great space to meet friends, learn, play games and have fun. It can connect us in powerful and positive ways.
But we also know that social media can pose risks to children and young people and their physical safety and emotional health and well-being. Particularly when sites are not monitored or moderated effectively.
We regularly hear from young people who have found themselves caught up in the darker side of social media or on other unmonitored sites.
The truth is that perpetrators target vulnerability, not age or gender, and can easily manipulate young people. Young people then become frightened, isolated and overwhelmed.
If a perpetrator knows there is no father or male figure in that young person’s life they will try and meet that need. If they know the young person has recently been rejected by a partner they will try to be that partner. If a person is looking for a friend they will be that friend.
If something negative happens, young people can often then blame themselves and this can lead to them feeling or being left in a frightening and dangerous situation.
How do we help to build online resilience in young people?
For a parent or carer, it’s about educating a young person in an age appropriate way as soon as they begin to show an interest or begin using social media. By talking openly with children and young people, it gives them a clear message that it is okay to talk about anything.
A child is far more likely, if educated about the benefits and the risks, to tell a parent or carer if something goes wrong or does not feel right.
There are organisations such as ‘CEOP’, a law enforcement agency helping keep children and young people safe from sexual abuse and grooming online, which can help do that. Advice on the site is targeted at specific age groups, starting with children as young as five. The ‘thinkuknow’ resources are fantastic.
I would encourage a parent or carer to watch the short videos with their child and educate themselves at the same time. Let children ask questions and ask when they need to – which might be a week or so later. Parents can also monitor a young person’s browsing history by, for example, asking for usage reports from their mobile service provider.
I would also reassure parents that they can and should create boundaries, despite the pressure they may feel to let their child loose online. I monitor my teenage son’s internet use; we are very open about this, but more importantly he knows why. It’s about keeping him safe.
Teenagers tend to be secretive and that’s normal, but if they know that they can talk to someone if something doesn’t feel right, that knowledge is going to keep them safe.
The more educated, armed and fore-warned a parent is, the more likely they are to have those conversations in an age appropriate manner.
I know parents who are worried their child is at risk from grooming may want to take their child’s phone away. If they are at risk, however, this might push them further towards their abuser – who may then offer a new phone as an enticement to join their gang or engage in other risky or inappropriate behaviour.
Parents or carers and their children could consider an agreed ‘contract’ between them. This may cover the use of a phone, time-wise, and also cover appropriate sites.
How cautious should parents and carers about their children being online and using social media sites?
Of course no-one wants to terrify young people. The big message is: if that young person has a gut feeling something isn’t right, it probably isn’t.
They should try to speak to a trusted adult about their concerns. The ‘trusted’ part is important here as we know sometimes abuse is happening in the home.
How does Kooth help?
Usually young people come to us in a distressed state because they’ve shared a picture or sent a text and are scared about the consequences. They’re in crisis.
Our focus is on safeguarding and safety, first and foremost. We let them know about organisations like CEOP, which supports and empowers them to report abuse.
And while we’re focused on safeguarding, advising and supporting, we also offer ongoing support.
It could be that we’re talking to a young person in the initial grooming stages, in which case we look at prevention and education. Or we could be at a stage where a young person has met the perpetrator. It could be relevant to county lines. It could be for sexual exploitation (they are often interlinked).
We listen without judgement, helping a young person see the situation they are in and supporting them to find a way out. The door at Kooth remains open to them and we build that relationship and offer the time and space they need.
Why do some young people choose to join gangs?
I doubt it’s ever a choice, but a need. Young people may become involved in a gang for many different reasons: to belong to something or someone, through peer pressure or because of adverse childhood experiences and trauma. Often what is a push factor to engage with gangs is what can also keep them there, so early intervention is key. However all children and young people can be at risk.
Perpetrators are extremely clever at targeting; they can use social media to begin the grooming process. Sometimes they will use other young people as spotters or seekers. Often they are both the perpetrator and the victim. Many have been groomed and exploited themselves.
Parents often feel really out of control because a perpetrator’s pull can be so great. Young people can ignore everyone around them, even those will the intention of keeping them safe, when entrenched in the grooming process, so the earlier they seek advice the better.
So while we know that there are many positives to the internet and to social media, the more we understand the risks, and help build knowledge and resilience in our children, the better chance we have of avoiding the risks attached to unmonitored sites.
So, the answer is education and open dialogue?
Yes, so that we have a shared understanding and can help children and young people avoid the risks together. Listening to the voice of the child is key, as well as offering positive relationships, whether a parent or professional.
Useful resources and further reading
CEOP – law enforcement agency helping keep children and young people safe from sexual abuse and grooming online. See its ‘Think U Know’ resources
We’re part of the charitable organisation, NWG, formed as a UK network of over 14,500 practitioners who disseminate our information down through their services, to professionals working on the issue of child sexual exploitation (CSE) and trafficking within the UK
Pace offers emotional support to parents affected by CSE through one-to-one telephone support and a national befriender scheme. Pace has worked with over 600 families in England during the last 16 years
Stop It Now! is a child sexual abuse prevention campaign and helpline
Children’s Commissioner report: “If Only Someone Had Listened”, an inquiry into child sexual exploitation in gangs and groups. There’s a version for children and young people here too
“Thank you for welcoming me back, actually I was really touched by the amount of people who wanted to make sure I was ok. It’s a brilliant community here” ~ Quote from a Young person on Kooth.com.
In 2018, the Kooth team spent more than 4,000 hours in schools and the community across England and Wales encouraging young people to go online.
This may seem counterintuitive to the discourse we’re so used to seeing in the media, where recent headlines include: Bedtime social media use may be harming UK teenagers, Facebook should pay a ‘mental health’ levy for the damage it causes, University switches off social media to help student well-being and the hard hitting story of Molly Russell whose father suggests Instagram helped kill his daughter (BBC, January 2019).
There have undoubtedly been unforeseen outcomes of the internet and the rise of social media platforms in the past 10 years, frequently becoming a source of blame for a rise in poor adolescent mental health.
Tim Berners-Lee recognised some of the downfalls of the internet in his recent letter of reflection following the 30th anniversary of the World Wide Web. He cites three sources of online dysfunction: deliberate and malicious intent, system design that creates perverse incentives and unintended negative consequences of benevolent design.
For adolescents on social media, this dysfunction might emerge as cyber-bullying, misinformed messaging informing destructive belief systems, increased pressure to belong or fit in, and unregulated information across a wealth of topics including mental health (Frith, 2017).
Despite all of this, the facts are that half the world’s population regularly uses the internet and a vast proportion are children and young people who have grown up with Sir Berners-Lee’s World Wide Web. Rather than trying to limit usage we want to meet children and young people in this spaceand provide them the tools they require to remain safe and resilient.
In the past year Kooth saw record numbers of article views (257,764) and clicks to forum discussions (223,417), accompanied with feedback from young people about how helpful the online community within Kooth is. Though often thought of as a counselling platform, up to 60% of Kooth users will find what they are looking for from therapeutic – often co-produced – content, live peer-to-peer forums and online tools such as the mood tracker or online journal.
The social space provided on Kooth is not unlike other social media platforms. It provides a feed of information, gives young people the ability to scroll through content they want to engage in, and offers them the chance to comment. What does differ is the regulated safeguarding protocol built into the service, which filters out ‘harmful’ elements present on other popular social media platforms.
It also sits within a platform where all users are anonymous, where oversharing of personal (or any) imagery is not possible, and where there is no functionality for peer to peer private messaging.
Pre-moderating content is essential in developing a positive virtual ecology where a supportive community is encouraged; many popular social media sites are post-moderated.
Pre-moderation of all content including forum discussion posts, article comments and magazine articles prevents trolling from those who scour the internet to actively cause harm. It safeguards against triggering content, such as graphic self-harm, whilst also offering the author of that content support and signposting.
There are content boundaries written up for young people to review so they are aware when their content may be declined publication. This act in itself replicates adherence and respect for boundaries as is necessary in daily life.
In fact much of what happens within Kooth reflects relational behaviour offline. This is particularly powerful when considering how young people engage supportively with a social media platform, and how this can be reflected in their behaviour across other social media platforms.
We asked young people directly about the benefits of social media. Their responses exemplified the need for safety online. One young person told us: “Social media is fun. It’s a place where you can connect and talk to people without having to show your face. A place where making friends is actually easy”.
This individual infers that they are challenged by social situations offline, and perhaps highlights the potential vulnerability of young people using social media platforms.
Similarly, another young person suggests that when struggling with “mental health issues…it may be hard to interact [socially]” and that “sometimes talking behind a screen can make us feel more comfortable, especially on Kooth”.
Over the coming year, our clinical and evaluation teams are working to develop validated outcomes measures to demonstrate the value of safe and supported social media interaction – including peer-to-peer support – in more concrete terms.
This work will initially involve recognising the spectrum of outcomes that can be obtained from engagement with social and therapeutic content, both positive and negative. While validation, social connectedness, and improved knowledge might be among the positive outcomes attributed to social media engagement, there will always be those who are harmed through unhealthy attachment or increased distress.
Through understanding the full range of potential outcomes we will be able to focus our attention on preventative methods to see a reduction in the negative outcomes.
Parallel to this there will be a greater focus on therapeutic content to further utilise the platform where young people are already consuming trustworthy and information rich media.
There are so many channels for information seeking and social connection, with numerous benefits available to young people if used appropriately, we are one channel who wish to promote the benefits of the internet rather than simply a source for helping those who suffer as a result of the harms.
Why is SITE MODERATION so important for Young People?
Spaces_
Safe
The tragic case of Molly Russell, who took her own life in 2017, aged 14, has placed an important focus on the role of social media in the lives of young people. When her family looked into her Instagram account following her death, they found distressing material about depression and suicide.
Nearly 13 per cent of children were spending more than three hours on social networks on a normal school day, according to latest figures from the ONS. Since then, the government has published its Online Harms White Paper setting out its plans to keep UK users safe online.
Social media is not only Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. In-game chat and online discussion forums such as Reddit also count among the places children and young people may experience disturbing content or bullying and abusive behaviour. It can feel like the wild west out there.
But, for better or worse, social media is now part of our lives. To extract young people from it altogether would mean cutting them off from friends and positive social support groups.
While some children and young people can be troubled by social media, and the consumption of it can become unhealthy, there are online communities where they can go for support. Online mental health support provider XenZone created Kooth as a unique safety-first social media platform for children and young people. It gives young people scrollable content and discussions like other sites, but it also crucially employs regulated safeguarding protocols to eliminate ‘harmful’ content. Users are anonymous, the sharing of personal (or any) images is not possible, and it has no function for peer-to-peer private messaging.
The ability for users to remain anonymous and talk about issues that may be troubling them in a non-confrontational way via pre-moderated online forums can be the difference between sharing and receiving support - or suffering in silence for some young people. Many Kooth users say they feel unable initially to talk about what’s making them anxious or depressed in a face to face meeting with an adult as they find it such situations intimidating.
Bullying and trolling of users can never take place on Kooth as all content shared is pre-moderated. Content including forum discussion posts, article comments and magazine articles must be approved by moderators before it can be published, unlike some other online mental health sites and conventional social media platforms which rely on algorithms or users to flag harmful content after it has been published and then make a decision about whether to remove it. The policy safeguards against triggering content, such as graphic self-harm, while also offering the author of that content support and signposting if they show signs of needing help.
Social media will not go away. But, as the government, schools and others concerned with safeguarding our young people begin to understand how to navigate this minefield we can work together to ensure children and young people can benefit from online communities without trauma or harm.
Spaces_
Safe
What is the role of social media in the lives of children and young people?
Social Media: The Challenges of an Overwhelming and Unregulated world
Aisha
Gordon-Hiles
Online Counsellor
kooth.com
Aisha Gordon-Hiles is an online counsellor for Kooth and supports children and young people across the country. She also offers support via a personal social media accounts she holds and regularly finds herself reporting inappropriate content. Many children and young people are presenting with issues related to social media, not knowing who or what to trust online with often very sensitive issues.
"I’ve been an online counsellor on Kooth for a long time and have come into contact with young people experiencing a myriad of issues, from eating disorders and self-harm, to anxiety and exploitation. Their use of social media is an interesting dichotomy: it can be extremely damaging while also offering a lifeline for those wanting to connect with people going through similar experiences. Knowing the difference is often beyond young people.
Social media challenges
I see a huge issue for young people in knowing where to go online. They are very often looking for advice, looking for friends or support and are overwhelmed by what’s out there. Without a much life experience under their belts, there is no way of knowing who’s offering the right kind of advice, or the right kind of friendship.
I see young people on social media who have a lot of followers and who position themselves as ‘coach’, ‘therapist’ or ‘self-love expert’. They might do some fantastic work, but in not being qualified, equally they could be doing untold damage. They’re not protected and nor are those who they are trying to support.
The fact that young people use social media to find people and communities they can relate to is a good and a bad thing. It is relatively easy to locate and chat to someone who has been through the same or similar experiences, but this ‘connection’ doesn’t mean that person can guide you in the right way.
There’s a specific account I’ve seen where a young woman with a lot of followers - who purports to be someone offering emotional and mental health support - regularly states that she’s open to receiving direct messages. However, every week she is posting extremely graphic and concerning pictures of her own self-harm. I worry for her and I worry for her followers who may be being influenced by her actions. Both sides are vulnerable.
Young people don’t generally have perspective or experience to see that the person who looks like they’re helping is in fact pulling them down. A young woman I supported recently said that it took her a long time to realise that the social media anorexia group she belonged to was perpetuating her condition, not helping her to recover.
My worry is that although I report these sorts of accounts, there is no online signposting for young people which could enable them to use social media positively and effectively.
There is a fine line between allowing someone to express themselves and seeing how that negatively influences vulnerable young people.
Often, I communicate with young people who have had frightening experiences online. One young person messaged me after a friend posted a message about killing herself and her family. I saw her account and could see that she had made similar comments previously and seemed to be venting. I could see she had a lot of support, including help from mental health professionals. I explained this to the young person contacting me. After a while it became apparent that she and the girl threatening such drastic action had never met. In fact, she knew very little about her.
Parents’ understanding
On Kooth I heart a lot of frustration about parents and how they respond to young people talking about their wellbeing and mental health. Many wish their parents were more informed.
Comments I hear are that parents don’t accept their child has mental health issues. That they don’t care. Some parents have called it attention seeking. One parent had told their child that because depression is genetic, it was impossible that they could have it. A lot are angry or frustrated that their parents don’t listen.
Of course, not all comments are negative. And there is nothing new in teenagers railing against their parents. But it also shows how many young people are becoming a great deal more aware and informed about mental health than their elders.
Social media positives
While I believe there needs to be more guidance for young people, showing them who is qualified to offer mental health support and who isn’t, I see a huge number of positive aspects to social media.
For young people, the idea of a safe space online is tremendously powerful and gives them the opportunity to experiment and enjoy the benefits the digital world can bring, with none of the risks. The Kooth online forums can be especially supportive – and because they’re moderated, the environment is risk-free.
Indeed, one of the followers of my personal social media account recently told me she receives more support and understanding from her friends on social media than anyone in her ‘face to face life’.
How young people can get the best from social media
There are lots of ways people can get better at managing their life online, particularly with social media. I sometimes ask a young person to open up one of their social media accounts and look at the first five posts they see.
I ask them how these posts make them feel. Happy? Envious? Sad? Being mindful around what you’re taking from social media feeds is important. They’re all determined by who you follow. If you struggle with self-esteem and you are following someone you admire, someone you would like to emulate physically, perhaps, what are you getting from their posts? How are they influencing your wellbeing?
If you’re looking at your phone first thing in the morning and last thing at night, how is that affecting you emotionally? What are you reinforcing?
Reclaiming some control is key. I often remind young people that they can choose their friends, choose the content they see. They can choose their ‘online family’. They can go online and post whatever they want to, whether they’re being 100% authentic or not, recognising the power they have and being mindful about how they use it. The adage ‘knowledge is power’ is true offline, but is especially appropriate for young people and their parents in navigating the online world."
Social media is an accessible way for young people to connect with their peers and those with shared interests, but at the same time has also in some cases become a platform for online bullying.. Cyberbullying and ‘trolling’ can be a major risk for children and young people. The good news is that it can be successfully managed; there is also a host of outside resources which are extremely useful (see below).
If you are worried your child is being bullied, the first step is to talk to them and help them to understand what bullying is. Try to let them lead the conversation and enable them to share as much as they feel able to. They may feel ashamed or embarrassed and this can act as a barrier to them seeking help or support. Childline has created a video interview with YouTuber Dina Tokio about life after bullying, which could be helpful to watch with your child.
Most social media sites have processes for reporting bullying. You can find these on relevant safety pages, help sections, or in settings. You can also support your child in updating their privacy settings on their social media accounts, or block accounts of people who are bullying them.
Restricting or preventing them from using social media is often not the answer as it may make the young person feel punished rather than empowering them to use social media safely.
You can also support your child to report any online bullying to a relevant school or youth club if they know the person who is bullying them online.
Where can i find further help?
Remember that if you’re in one of the 100+ areas where Kooth is commissioned, your child has free access to BACP-accredited online counsellors and a wealth of emotional wellbeing resources - with no waiting lists.
Childline has some excellent practical tips on how to report bullying or sharing of explicit images on social media:
Internet Matters is a not-for-profit organisation which empower parents and carers to keep children safe in the digital world. See this section on cyberbullying:
https://www.internetmatters.org/issues/cyberbullying/
NSPCC guide to bullying/cyberbullying and what to do about it:
BullyingUK is a charity offering advice, including how to act on each social media channel:
https://www.bullying.co.uk/cyberbullying/what-to-do-if-you-re-being-bullied-on-a-social-network/
What do I do if my child is being bullied online?
Resources
There is a raft of information and guidance available to support parents or carers and their children on social media. Check out the links below to access our resources.
Kooth is an accredited, safe and anonymous online counselling and emotional wellbeing service for children and young people. It is free at the point of use in areas where it is commissioned.
The NSPCC has an excellent set of resources for parents, including a template for ‘family agreements’ and tips about starting a conversation about their online world.
This portal, written for young people, is a good introduction to Facebook and social media, with pointers on security, safety and privacy.
MindED is a resource funded by the Department for Education and NHS England. It has a section on Parenting in a Digital World, with some valuable insight.
The young people’s mental health charity Young Minds offers guidance on how to talk to your child about social media and the internet.
Internet Matters is a not-for-profit organisation helping parents and carers keep children safe in the digital world. Find advice on a host of issues, from online grooming and sexting to screen time and cyberbullying.
The UK Safer Internet Centre ➙
The UK Safer Internet Centre is funded under the Connecting Europe Facility (CEF) programme of the European Commission. It offers tips, advice, guides and resources to help keep your child safe online.
UK Council for Internet Safety ➙
Read the UK Council for Internet Safety’s practical guide for parents and carers whose children are using social media.
UK charity Childline offers a lot of advice, including tips on bullying on social networks.
CEOP is part of the UK National Crime Agency and has age appropriate information about avoiding child sexual exploitation, as well as making it easy and safe for children to report online abuse.
Pace is the lead national charity working with parents and carers of exploited children, offering advice and support.
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